Not Enough Sheep

When I wake up in the morning, my immediate thought/desire is: I want to go back to sleep. Yup, I’m one of the sleep-deprived masses–but I don’t know why and I can’t seem to break out of it. It’s frustrating.

With only scattered exceptions when I’m totally exhausted, I’m averaging about 5 hours of sleep a night. I don’t often augment that with naps or anything, though at least once a week I’ll drop off for a half-hour or so without much warning. I can’t remember the last time I really felt rested, much less awake. This has been going on for the better part of this year.

Yes, yes…some of this is likely an aftermath from my dad’s illness. Not from depression, mind you (honestly, I don’t notice any mental difference, and I have been paying attention), but from the strain of the past couple of years…and especially the last six months (or so) of my dad’s life. It was the second hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. The hardest thing was a protracted period of servitude in one of my jobs…a very long stretch of long hours, being on-call, multiple locations, and no days off for months on end. It took me more than two years to recover from that abuse…or mostly recover…so I probably shouldn’t be surprised that the months of only getting about 3-4 hours of sleep a day last year might have some lingering effect. Regardless, it still sucks.

I’ve tried most things non-pharmaceutical to try to get the rest I need, but nothing has managed to take hold. I sometimes try to sleep every time that I’m, you know, sleepy; but life responsibilities rather interfere that. For some odd reason, people and businesses tend to not want to interact with you at 2am. Which is a pity, for I’ll likely be awake at 2am.

The consequences of this constant fatigue are something I’m always mindful of. Driving is a special concern. I do not like driving when I’m tired. When I was younger and foolisher than I am now, I had a few instances where I was so tired I’d either fall asleep at the wheel or see hoards of gremlins dancing on the road in front of my car (that was fun). In a few weeks I’ll be meeting a friend from high school at a location about 1.5 hours from my home. Not knowing how long we will be chatting on that day, instead of risking driving back tired, I’ve already conceded that I’ll be fatigued and have booked myself a room so that I can rest before starting back home the next morning.

The biggest annoyance has got to be how this is draining my creative motivation. I have paintings to do that I have trouble focusing my eyes enough on for the works to be completed in anything approaching a timely manner. I also have writing projects to work on, but my mind is so addled by the time that I get to them that any effort on my part is mostly a waste of time.

Every now and again, though, I’ll get a nice 7+ hours of uninterrupted sleep. Sometimes I’ll even wake up from that stretch and feel rested for a while. But it doesn’t last, sad to say. I’m hopeful that this condition will work itself out. I’m not sleeping quite as lightly as I was a few months ago, and that is very encouraging. I think.