With my focus having shifted back to art, I haven’t been doing much writing lately. However, sometimes an opportunity pops up that you simply have to act upon. Such was the case with a fanfic contest set up by Wil Wheaton and John Scalzi as presented during the Phoenix Comicon 2010:
The topic of the fanfic was simple: come up with a story to attach to a very special painting that they had commissioned (visit artist Jeff Zugale’s site to see a higher-resolution version). On the ground was John Scalzi as an ax-wielding Orc, and above, in mid-leap, was a spear-wielding (and infamous clown sweater wearing) Wil Wheaton astride a unicorn-pegasus-kitten. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I couldn’t just let this call-to-words go unanswered.
It didn’t take long for the basic story to formulate. It didn’t take long to write. It did take a while to get to the writing (that art thing, donchaknow)…in fact, I almost missed the deadline. It probably would have been better for the quality of the piece for me not to have come so close to the deadline–but these things happen.
I did briefly consider doing this as a screenplay, but that would be a bit unconventional (too unconventional?) and I needed to practice narrative prose in any case. I always forget how awkward it is for me to write as normal people do using paragraphs and inner thoughts and things like that. As I often say: as an author, I’m a pretty good screenwriter. I think the toughest part was keeping it under the 2,000-word upper limit (in fact, I had to cut over 300 words for the final draft). There’s just too much story there to be told. So…view this as the opening chapter to at least a novella.
Be that as it may, let’s get to it. Below was my submission to the contest.
WTF Awesomeness FTW
(a/k/a Unicorn-Pegasus-Kitten fanfic)
“Oh, and I should also point out that I do not own, have access to, or would ever wear again under any circumstances the Infamous Clown Sweater.”
– Wil Wheaton – December 12, 2005 at 04:47 PM
Through most of his life as a performer, Wil Wheaton had been taught that noise was the enemy–a beast to be tamed lest a good take get ruined. His quiet Southern California neighborhood was a real-life oasis from a noisy world. With his family out on some shopping adventure, Wil relaxed and sipped some ginger-ale. It was quiet. It was the perfect time to settle back and record some Radio Free Bur–
BRRRRPPPP-P-P-P!!! CHK-CHK-CHK-CHK…
“What the–?” Wil thought.
He didn’t go to the door, step outside, and seek out the source of that motorized noise pollution. He’d done that hundreds, if not thousands, of times before. It was a bulldozer. The same bulldozer that visited his neighbor’s property for… what… years, now? It came to life at these precious moments: when the house was quiet and it was time to record. He was cursed. There was only one certain course of action: this must be tweeted about… with extreme prejudice.
CRASH!!!
Wil startled.
CRASH!!! THUNK!
It was from the garage. The bulldozer had… what?
Wil’s thoughts were expletive-rich as he went to find out what had made the noise. To discover how much damage the…
There was nothing wrong. The bulldozer was nowhere near.
Scratch.
“That came from the garage. From inside the garage,” Wil thought.
Something was trying to get out. Probably a cat or…wait, were those hooves stepping around?
Wil relaxed. He smiled and absently rubbed his beard. This was another joke. Someone snuck a horse into his garage. He had a pretty good idea who.
Upon opening the garage door, Wil’s relaxed state evaporated. He froze. Standing before him, the top of its head level with Wil’s shoulders, was a kitten. A really big tabby with a unicorn horn in the middle of its forehead.
A. Unicorn. Horn.
That the rest of the animal–from just behind the cat’s front legs all the way back to the stringy tail–was a pegasus didn’t register at all.
“Wil Wheaton?” the chimera said in a voice sounding exactly like Taarna’s in the 1981 movie, Heavy Metal. That is, had Taarna actually spoken in the film.
“H-huh?”
“You don’t look well. Are you ill?”
“???”
The creature stepped forward with one paw, bringing the horn that much closer to Wil’s face. Wil stepped back. Unfortunately, he stepped back with both feet at the same time. The sudden introduction of his rump to the ground did, however, rouse the actor from his stupor. “What the hell?”
“Good! You’ve returned.” The beast stepped forward, bowed its head, then straightened. “I am Ronsnth, Alpha of the Houygus clowder.”
“…What?”
“We are fighting a war both in my land and here.”
“Here?”
“In this neighborhood.”
“This…? What?”
“That sound you hear? It’s a device used to prevent our enemies from entering your world. If they get through, there will be chaos….destruction. Your people don’t–”
“Wait,” Wil interrupted. “The bulldozer is keeping out the enemy hordes?”
“It’s not a bulldozer.”
The actor considered the implications. “Huh,” he concluded. Wil got back to his feet. “OK. So, why are you here?”
“For you.”
“For me.”
“Yes. You have unique skills that could bring a swift end to part of this war.”
“You’re kidding.”
Ronsnth stared in reply, tilting and slightly rotating its head with feline impatience. Wil’s expression softened. “Sorry.”
“Hold out your hand as if you’re gripping a pole.”
Wil extended his arm. “Like this?”
“Hold still.”
Ronsnth lowered her horn and placed it in the void encircled by the human’s hand. A small, blinding ball of light quickly extended into a long shaft. Wil’s hand felt the staff and instinctively gripped it. Though a purple afterimage clouded his vision, the ersatz warrior could see he held a magnificent spear. The shaft was…actually, the shaft looked like the one from The Guild wielded by Felicia Day’s character, Codex. Instead of being topped with a winged orb, this shaft held a razor-sharp spear tip having a subtle internal glow. Growing impatient with Wil’s stunned silence, Ronsnth said, “Well?”
Well. What can you say about something like this? Never mind that it was created out of thin air, but that it was so… “It’s kind of phallic, don’t you think?”
“Don’t be a pussy. There’s one more thing.”
“Another spear?”
“No.”
Lowering her head, Ronsnth touched her horn to the actor’s chest. This time Wil closed his eyes. He could tell there had been a flash. He looked down. “Oh. My. God.”
“Your armor.”
Whatever this was, it wasn’t armor. If anything, it was anti-armor. He’d worn this once before. The knit garment now covering his torso and arms was the source of nightmares. He’d sworn to never again wear this… this… clown sweater. The whitefaced smiling clown body was bad enough, but the tufted red shoulders were too much. Ronsnth called this his armor. Armor from Hell, maybe. “No.”
“You must. You cannot win without it.”
Moments later, Wil rode astride Ronsnth, his knees being pounded by beating wings. He held the spear in his left hand, reins in his right, and watched level-up graphics surround him. But they weren’t graphics. This was real. The wind buffeting him and the sulfur insulting his nostrils made it very apparent that this wasn’t a game. Thousands of feet below–covered in a heat-fueled rippling haze–rivers of lava flowed from the dozens of erupting volcanoes. The red landscape looked very much like Mordor. “Over there,” Ronsnth said.
In the distance, filling several plains and valleys, armies hundreds of thousands strong were massed. No fewer than three distinct forces could be seen. “Hang on!”
Wil leaned forward and wrapped his non-spear arm around Ronsnth’s neck before the creature shortened her wings and went into a steep dive. The human tightened his hold.
The large wings slowly stretched out as the angle of descent flattened. They were a hundred feet above the speed-blurred ground. The winged creature’s body angled back, quickly bleeding off speed. Ronsnth landed at a gallop and quickly covered ground. The human felt muscles tense beneath him just before the unicorn-pegasus-kitten made a grand leap.
Wil sat up in order to keep his balance. Upright by mid-leap, he caught a quick glimpse of someone on the ground. At first glance, it looked like Shrek. That didn’t matter. What mattered was straight ahead: the world’s largest ball of yarn. Ronsnth’s leap was clearly meant to pounce on that feline enticement. While screaming–it wasn’t the battle-cry he later insisted it was–Wil held out the spear to plant as a handhold when Ronsnth reached the ground. Instead, the jolt of landing tossed the actor off his mount. He landed heavily onto the volcanic rocks, the spear never used.
On the ground, Wil assessed his injuries. He didn’t feel hurt…well, except for his now twice-landed backside.
He noticed that the Orc (he’d decided it was less a Shrek-like ogre and more like an Orc-like Orc) was fending off dozens of bacon-wearing cats with keen aim and deadly efficiency. When that was accomplished, the green soldier strode directly towards the fallen human.
Seeing the Orc’s multi-bladed ax, Wil remembered the spear in his own hand. He rolled to his feet and brandished the skewer, saying, “Two more steps and it’s Orc-kebabs for dinner.” Or, that’s what he thought he said. In fact, Wil nervously pointed the spear in the general direction of the confidently-armed warrior and said, “S-s-stop. Hold it.”
The Orc stopped and laughed, which increased the actor’s unease. Wil noticed the unicorn-pegasus-kitten again standing next to him, some yarn clinging to her fur. He turned his attention back to the Orc and looked closely at the almost-familiar face. Wil’s jaw dropped and his eyes widened. He lowered the spear as stunned realization spread through his body. “John?”
“Wil,” the Orc replied.
The actor shook off his surprise and looked at Ronsnth. “You turned John Scalzi into an Orc?”
The Orc laughed again. Ronsnth shook her head. “No. I removed the illusion that he was human.”
Wil stared at Ronsnth. He then looked over at the Orc now closing the remaining distance. He looked back to Ronsnth. “What?”
“It’s true, Wil,” the green figure said.
“You’re an Orc?”
“A ScalzOrc, actually.”
“And….what? You fend off evil hordes with that ax thing?”
“Yeah. Like-you-do.”
The actor’s pained expression made it clear he didn’t understand. Ronsnth glanced backward, still distracted by the yarn. “Go ahead, Ronsnth,” the ScalzOrc said. “We have a few minutes.”
The creature turned and dashed to the colorful ball. “Don’t mind Ronsnth. She likes to talk about how she’s Alpha of the humms-somethings, but honestly, I’m the one in charge.”
“So, you’re the reason I’m here.”
“Yeah. We have a problem. A new– wait. Follow me.”
The ScalzOrc strode up a path through a break between two dormant cones. “This world has become unstable,” the ScalzOrc explained. “Things happening on Earth now have profound effects here. Armies rise up, battling those of us who came first. Most are little more than annoyances, but sometimes a force rises up that we are ill-equipped to battle alone. So, we recruit a champion.”
“Like-you-do.”
“Like-you-do. And that’s why you’re here.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“You will. Look.”
The human joined the ScalzOrc at the top of the prominence. The mass of people down below numbered at least 150,000. A majority of them looked like Wil. Or, rather, they looked like Acting-ensign Wesley Crusher–down to the sweater and the hair. Then it started: the blood-curdling chant. At first it was a murmur, but soon the voices synced up and built to an ear-splitting level as all the voices repeatedly shouted in high-pitched unison, “I’m in Starfleet! Wheeee!”
Both Wil and the ScalzOrc quickly retreated, their hands covering their ears. Arriving back at the area near the ball of yarn, Wil and the ScalzOrc were rejoined by Ronsnth. “Do you understand, now?” the ScalzOrc asked.
“That was horrible. What can I do?”
Ronsnth said, “Help us, Wil Wheaton. You’re our…”
Wil adopted his scold-face. “John.”
“…last chance.”
Wil smirked.
“Just remember,” the ScalzOrc said, “we’re in this–”
“Together,” Wil and the ScalzOrc said in unison.
“Ronsnth will be your Samwise.”
Wil cast a glance at the chimera, who nodded. “What are you going to be doing?” Wil asked.
“Honestly, I’m on deadline. I’ve got three chapters due by the end of the week.”
“Wait. What do you…?”
“The rest of the humina-huminas will keep the others occupied until I can get back. Just take care of those damn Wesleys. I need you to crush them.”
“Dude, don’t go there.”
The ScalzOrc stood in front of the actor for a moment, handed him his ax, and then stepped in front of the unicorn-pegasus-kitten. “Do your thing, ‘Snith.”
Before Wil could protest, Ronsnth lowered her head and touched the ScalzOrc with her horn. The ScalzOrc quickly flashed into the image of the human Scalzi that Wil knew, and then he vanished.
“If you can do that, what was with the flying?”
“It only works on Orcs.”
“Oh.”
The ground shook. Being a Californian, this didn’t greatly worry Wil. What did was seeing the previously dormant volcano two cones over now squirting lava from its side. When the ground settled, the actor’s eyes stayed focused on the freshly-spewing lava. “This is going to turn out well.”
“That’s the spirit!”
Wil glared at the big kitteny eyes. “Don’t be a dick.”
The human turned. He held a spear in his left hand and an ax in his right. He started down a path leading in the general direction of the acting-ensigns. Ronsnth followed immediately behind. “What’s your plan?”
“We’ll just have to be awesome.”
#END#
